Do not. Ever. Get in the god damned way of me catapulting myself into my Fat Girl Pants (FGP). I rarely care if you're a guest in my house, I will be in my FGPs before my dog has finished face raping you. She's my decoy.
I don't fantasize about sex-capades, I fantasize about the following:
- Fat Girl Pants (FGP)
- Spankies - basically granny panties, but a slightly less obvious version. They're still ugly, don't worry
- Burning my bra
- 2 couch cushions, under 3 large square pillows, under 2 smaller accent pillows, under a bed pillow under me
- Snuggling into my overweight dog's fat rolls
- Pasta (shells, rigatoni or something similar) that hide meat and veggies in its delightful pockets
- Tucking my FGPs into thick hideous socks
- The Grey Tuxedo - matching grey FGP and sweatshirt. Only to be used on special occasions
- NightNight -my childhood blanket I will never snuggle without
- Wine - this list clearly is not organized in chronological order
- Scrunchy - I don't actually own one. But one of these day's I'll grow a pair, and buy some at CVS. When you see me in public, I will recognize the utter jealousy on your face, and feel deep internal pride for my forethought.
- Straws in my drink- allows me drink while laying down.
As quickly as I'm out of my heels the second I walk in the door from work, I have already dropped my pants and have taken up shop in my Fatties. If I didn't have a 14 year old man-boy in my life or neighbors, they'd probably be off the second I hit the front porch. No need to wait for the front door. I also pull a little switcharoo with my panties, and opt for the spankies instead of a thong. Again, my theory on skiivies have warranted their own post, in due time. When I'm home, I intend on having no thong up my ass unless I've slithered so deep into the couch, and am so committed to not moving, I'll tolerate the wedgie.
Some food for thought on this Wednesday. Until next time...